


Forgive us Our Trespasses

by 5 Star Binch (thecannibalofoz)



Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Genre: M/M, Religious Imagery & Symbolism, Sexual Content, implied (and possibly upcoming) chardee moments, some violence, they are in highschool but like seniors
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-06
Updated: 2016-10-20
Packaged: 2018-08-19 22:50:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,518
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8227432
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thecannibalofoz/pseuds/5%20Star%20Binch
Summary: The Lord’s Prayer may have been committed to his memory, but “Yes, Dennis,” was on the tip of his tongue.





	1. saintly

Stained glass windows in a plethora of vibrant shades adorned the cold stone walls of the old church, gilded with brass edging. It was lurid imagery of the saints, with their pious lives and violent demise, ornate but dusty and chipped, cobwebs clouding over the once-clear glass. A wide-eyed statue of the Virgin Mother cradling her infant son stood just below, and even further down sat Mac and Dennis, on that dirty tiled floor.

Fragments of sunlight broke through the window, illuminating Mac’s skin and reflecting off of the shiny slick of his hair. He was relaxed - well as relaxed as a guy could be, sat on the ground of God’s house with a decidedly ungodly man. He has vowed to devote his worship to The Lord and the Lord only, no false idols. But the worship Mac gave to Dennis was almost unconscious; it was like breathing, a natural process that showed itself in every action he took, every decision he made. He may have committed the Lord's Prayer to his memory, but “Yes, Dennis,” was on the tip of his tongue.

 Dennis had played the role of the good friend for going on the past hour. He was laughing at Mac’s jokes, doing the things he wanted to do. Mac knew it wouldn’t last much longer, that he had to savour it while he could.

“So, do you think you’d, you know, start sitting with me and Charlie at lunch man? It would be so cool! We’d be like, a threesome of awesome.”

Dennis looked at him uncertainly, “Well, Mac, I mean, you’re cool and all. But I have friends that really expect me to sit with them! I couldn’t just let them down, could I? At least you have Charlie.”

“You talking about those popular assholes, Den? ‘Cause I don’t think they really like you.” Mac declared, blunt as ever.

Dennis laughed, but a little too loudly, “Huh, what do you mean?”

“You kinda look desperate man. Kinda hanging on the edges of them, creeping them out a little. No idea why though, you’re a tonne of fun,”

Mac could feel the air being sucked out of the room, each word he said suffocating them a little more. Dennis’ eyes seemed to cool over, like they'd had the life squeezed out of them. He let out a mocking laugh, “Why drag me to a Church, Mac? I mean, not only a church, but an abandoned one?”

“It’s abandoned. That’s a good thing, dude,”

“Why? Why is it a good thing? That’s the kind of thing serial killers say, Mac! Take a man to an abandoned church, have your way with him-”

“Because we get to have some, y’know, special time together,” Mac mumbled cautiously, knowing any word could set him off.

“Special time? Oh God, Mac, this gets worse by the minute.”

“Come on, Dennis. You know how important Jesus is to me, right?” Mac yawned, quickly lighting a cigarette. He was used to the petty arguments, knew full well how futile they were, yet he could never remain in dignified silence, “He died for our sins.”

“He died so we could sin and get away with it,” Dennis spat back.

Mac could feel the heat rising to his face, flushing his cheeks. Dennis had to bite at him, nipping and tearing the flesh from his exterior to reveal the boiling inside of him. He had to, he couldn’t help it. Anything that adored him was weak, vulnerable. Had to be fed just enough to make it stay but not enough to make it thrive. Not enough to give it the will to leave.

“Don’t say things like that, Dennis,” Mac warned, voice growing tense, “it’s blasphemous as fuck dude.”

Dennis snickered at that declaration, “Oh, it’s blasphemous? And what, you aren’t? Smoking in a church after cutting a class in a school in which you're only known for being a drug dealer? I’m not even mentioning the biggest sin you commit, because well, you know it far better than I do. Right, Mac?”

“What are you getting at?” Mac gritted his teeth, flinching at the venom of Dennis’ words.

“Oh, you know exactly what I mean,”

Mac lunged at him, pushing him to the ground, blindly pummeling his clenched fists into Dennis’ face. He couldn’t see where he was hitting and he didn’t care. All he knew was he could feel the hard bone of Dennis’ nose underneath his thumbs, and the warm sensation of fresh blood dripping down his fingers.

“You saying I’m a queer, you little bitch?” he yelled as he grabbed Dennis by the shirt collar and shook him violently. Mac continued pounding until his breathing slowed, his arms tired. He knew he’d have to force himself to open his eyes and see the damage he’d inflicted, no matter how painful it would be.

Dennis’ nose was bloody and his eyes swollen. He had just lay there and took the beating, Mac thought. _Why? Why wouldn’t he fight back?_ He was smirking through the haze of the pain.

“I never said anything about you being gay, Mac. But you made that pretty clear just then, I think,” he slurred, “And now you can see what a,” Dennis turned his head, spitting blood, “short tempered asshole you are. Can't fight back with words or facts because you’re dumb as fuck, so gotta go with the fists, eh? Isn’t that it?” His voice was croaky and thick.

Mac gazed down at the crimson staining his fist, hot and glistening, “I-I,”

“Save it.”

“I’m gonna go get some, um, ice, or-” Mac trailed off, trying to hide the full-blown anxiety attack bubbling at the surface of his skin. Why did he always have to do this, lose his shit and attack the people in the firing line? What Dennis said wasn’t that bad, right? _He was telling the truth,_ Mac thought. _I am worthless and not even God could give half a fuck what I do or where I go._

Mac stood up and scurried away. It wasn’t the first time Dennis’ had been bloodied for his sins, but Dennis’ knew full well Mac would die for his. He sat up, dizzy from the sudden movement, awaiting Mac’s re-arrival. He would come back. He always did.

  
  
  
  
  



	2. forgiveness

The halls were almost empty as Dennis strolled in, eyes blurry. His face was half covered in a too light concealer to try to hide the bruises he’d acquired the night before but he knew full well everyone would be able to see them. He knew that everyone would stare and poke and stick their noses where they didn’t belong. People are assholes, he thought.

A lump appeared in his throat as he placed his hand on the cold chrome of the door handle leading into the chemistry labs.. What was he so scared of? Bruises are badass, right? He could tell some lie about how he got them, say he beat the shit out of some dude who did him wrong. He could laugh and say “You should see the other guy!”. He could tell them that he got them from beating on Mac; “That scruffy dickhead wouldn’t give me the grass I paid him for, so I showed him who’s boss!” But none of these scenarios sounded right, none of them he felt he was able to pull off. The truth would just come falling out and it would be worse than it ever would have been if he’d stayed silent. Staying silent, he thought. Maybe he should just not talk at all.

Dennis cleared his throat and calmly walked into his classroom, head held high, dodging the eyes that veered towards him. His back was soldier straight and he maintained an atmosphere of calm superiority that hid the layers of nerves that were flaring up inside of him. He’d never felt so self-conscious, like he wanted to rip out of his own skin and hide somewhere warm and soft where he’d never have to face reality again. But he could never quite escape, so he burrowed deeper into himself, shouted louder to the outside. Hid so everyone else would see him. This is second nature to me, he thought. Hiding is what I’ve been doing my whole life.

“Oh my God, Dennis! What happened?” drawled the girl who sat in front of him, mouth agape. She’s a solid seven, he thought. Soft brown hair, lightly tanned skin, plump pink lips...no, don’t get distracted. Take a deep breath, smile, here goes…

“Well, it all started when…”

 

~~

The television hummed quietly through the living room door as Mac sat on the kitchen floor, mind hazy from the paint he’d just huffed. Charlie sat by his side, running his fingers through his unkempt tufts, a polar opposite to Mac’s greasy, slicked hair. This was that familiar ritual he always engaged in: getting high with his childhood buddy in his house while his listless mother sent clouds of cigarette smoke in his direction. His life was so centered around the same words, same prayers, same actions. This was his home, different from the home he had in Church, the home he had with Dennis. But still home in every sense of the word.

“So you went like, Donkey Kong on his ass?” Charlie mumbled, his mouth coated with a thin layer of silver. His eyes were twitching around the room, hit by a wave of paranoia. It was nothing new. Mac’s anger problems were par for the course.

“Totally dude. I can’t just let a guy call me a fag, right?”

“Well, technically he never called you anything,” Charlie pointed out.

“Implied I was a fag,” Mac exhaled, “But I kinda feel bad about it.” He fidgeted nervously. Oh, to be so blasé! He’d spent the last day with his stomach in knots, filled with nausea. He had planned to go to school today, but the idea of having to see Dennis in the hallways made his brain feel like cotton wool. He knew Dennis would almost definitely come looking for him anyway so really, staying home was an exercise in futility. Mac took a deep breath and turned his face to Charlie.

“Should I…”

“Should you what, dude?”

“Like...y’know I maybe overreacted a bit and I didn’t want to punch him so hard…” Mac admitted.

“So...”

“So maybe I should, y’know, tell him that.”

“Apologise?”

“No!” Mac grew flustered. He and Dennis didn’t have the apologetic type of relationship. What they have is distinct and special and they didn’t have to say sorry because they just knew, because saying sorry would mean they had to admit fault. “Not...apologise. Just tell him I was being an asshole or something.”

“Whatever dude,” Charlie rolled his eyes, “Dennis won’t give a shit, you know him.”

“Yeah, yeah I do know him. Really well, and I think he’d appreciate it if I told him I was an asshole!”

“Don’t get pissed at me, man! Just go tell him you’re sorry, or-”

“Not sorry,” Mac growled,

“Not sorry, but that you’re an asshole, does it matter? Just go tell him so you can shut up about it and we can dumpster dive behind the school again.”

 

~

It was 4 o’Clock and Dennis was leaning on a brick wall, stood next to a group of preppy boys and pretty girls. Each guy dressed in a uniform of plaid, wool jumpers tied around shoulders in mock rebellion and brown or black brogues shined to perfection. Each girl stood simpering in tiny skirts and sweaters, peroxide hair almost as white and straight as the teeth they bared, being pawed at like pets and ignored every time they spoke. He wasn’t part of this small army, though he tried; he perched at the edge, chuckling at every joke but ignoring that he was the punchline of most of them.

“So yeah, I was trying to find some bud and let me tell you, Ronnie the Rat is worse than you could ever like, even imagine,” the generic guy (Chad) in the centre of the crowd said, smirking. He turned to face Dennis, the first time he’d acknowledged his presence in the entire conversation, “Hey, you know that guy, don’t you Reynolds?”

Dennis laughed nervously, “Um, no. Well yeah, I know him, but I don’t know him-”

“Don’t lie, asshole. I saw you slinking off with him yesterday!” Chad retorted, eyebrows raised, “You know, before you beat his ass and everything.”

Dennis paled, “Sh-she told you about that?” He had regretted telling anyone his fabricated story the minute he’d finished it, and had hoped it would stay between him and Hot Chemistry Girl.

“Uhh, yeah. Stacey is practically the biggest gossip in the school, Reynolds. Why? Regret saying anything?” He could practically smell fear, and preyed on his ever-evident nerves like a vulture

“No! No, not at all. I mean, why would I? It’s not like Ronnie the Rat’s gonna do anything about it,”

“Hmm. Well, it seems to me he’s doing something about it as we speak,” Chad said as he diverted his eyes.

 _No. Oh my God, please say this isn’t happening_ , Dennis thought. _Please say I’m dreaming_. Mac was running towards them, wiping the sweat off of his brow with the back of his bruised wrist.

“Dennis! _Dennis_!” he shouted, smiling manically, “Hey, it’s me, Mac!”

Dennis blushed, feeling all the eyes of his acquaintances roll towards him. “If I ignore him, will he go away?” he muttered under his breath.

“Umm, Dennis dude, I know you can hear me, it’s Mac!”

“Apparently not,” Dennis sighed, “I know it’s you Mac, you don’t have to tell me,”

“Oh,” Mac stopped short, bent over as he regained his breath, “these guys your friends?”  


“Yeah,” Dennis replied, trying to be as standoffish and cold as possible in a desperate bid to salvage the last shreds of respect his ‘friends’ might have had for him.

“Well, umm, hey Dennis’ friends,” Mac said awkwardly, “Like, do you mind if I borrow him for a minute?”

“He’s all yours,” Chad returned, struggling to contain his laughter.

“Great!”

 

~

Mac finally release Dennis’ wrist from his grasp, “So I just wanted to tell you something,”

  
“Why do you insist on congregating by dumpsters, Mac?” Dennis’ face crumpled due to the overwhelming odour of the nearby waste, “And do not try to talk to me when I’m with my friends again, okay?”   
  
“Whatever, dude! I just wanted to tell you.."

"Spit it out already!"

"...that I was an asshole.”

Dennis stared at him, dumbfounded. “You-you put on that display to tell me that you’re an  asshole? I already fucking know that, Mac! You fucking ruined my face yesterday because I _implied_ something!”   
  
“So you admit it! You did imply I was gay!”

“What? Yes! Fuck, does it matter?”

“Yes, Dennis. It _does_ matter, because I’m _not_.” Mac had told himself this so many times it rolled off of his tongue like a solid alibi. Like it was the truth.

Dennis sighed, “I’m so sick of this,”

“Sick of what?”   


“This. You and your constant self-denial. It’s driving me insane,” He stepped forward and placed a hand on Mac’s shoulder. The casual intimacy of it made Mac feel safe and comforted, like nothing had even happened, “You have got to stop.”

“I can’t stop denying something that I’m not, Dennis. I’m not gay, so why would I not deny it?”

Dennis stood silently for a moment, thinking of what to do next, when it hit him. He needed to prove to Mac that he was, beyond a doubt, homosexual, and what better way to do that than to use himself? After all, he was a very attractive man, he was an impartial party- fuck, I don’t need to justify this to myself, he thought. But he also had to prepare for the outcome that Mac might blow up worse than before. He might actually kill me if I try to kiss him. Dennis shrugged, oh well, life has its risks-

“What are you shrugging about, dude?” Mac inquired, confused.

“What? Oh, nothing,” Dennis cleared his throat. “Tell you what Mac, how about we go back to that Church?”

“Wait, what? You wanna go back to that place? I am not following this at all, man.”

“I really felt a connection there last time, Mac. I realised that I was being really, uhh, offensive to Jesus.”

“Are you bullshitting me, Dennis?” Mac said suspiciously.

“No! And quite frankly I’m offended you would even suggest that. I did some deep reflection and I really think religion has a lot to offer me, and me it. I got a spiritual boner for Catholicism.”

“Umm, okay. That’s a bit weird but like, who am I doubt a possible new soldier of Christ?” Mac perked up considerably, “I’m so glad to hear that, dude.”

“Plus, there is something I want to show you,” Dennis added.

“What?”

“You’ll see.” He grinned mischievously. _You’ll be glad you’re near a confession booth._

  
  
  
  
  



	3. prayers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mac, dennis and dee's internal monologues are in italics, it should be clear in context who is speaking!

“So, where do you wanna start dude? Genesis is always a good place, y’know, because it’s the beginning and all…”

Dennis had his eyes fixed ahead of him like a horse wearing blinders. He knew Mac was talking to him but he couldn’t focus on what he was saying, instead ruminating on the several ways in which he could seduce him. In a church, of all places. An abandoned one at least. Maybe Mac had a point.

 _It has to be subtle, yet strong. I have to have nuance, damn it. I need to find the right moment to make my move, the right move to make...why am I so nervous? This is just helping out a friend,_ he thought. _I don’t need to start shitting roses. I just need to get him to accept his flaming homosexuality! Maybe start with some Jesus talk, move to friendly physical contact with a little uncomfortably close facial proximity._..

“Dennis? Are you even listening to me?” Mac stared at him incredulously.

“What? Oh, yeah, dude, start there.”

“Start at the Gospels? But that means you’ll miss out on God’s wrath, which is basically the most important part,” _Oh for fuck’s sake, I don’t give a shit!_ Mac chewed on his lip, looking frustrated at Dennis’ lack of enthusiasm towards the whole situation, “Dennis, remember you’re the one who told me to teach you God’s word in the first place!”

“Well, whatever! You’re the expert here, right? Why don’t you just start where you think would be best, buddy?” He noticed Mac perked up considerably after he said this, a wide grin spreading across his face, so Dennis took a step closer and placed his arm around his shoulder, “Let’s head into the church, get this whole thing started.”

The minute they set foot in the building, Mac made a beeline for the altar and the large leather-bound Bible placed atop of it. The book clearly hadn’t been used in a long time, it’s scarlet cover fading and coated in such a thick layer of dust that you could have thought it grey at first glance. No-one had cared enough to take it with them when the church became unused, and previously Mac hadn’t cared about it either. He still didn’t care about the actual book; rather, the words inside it and the home he’d made out of them. When he opened a Bible, he knew what would be inside, he knew that it wouldn’t change. He knew that as long as he read and read and prayed and promised he could only become a better boy.

Dennis watched him with a sort of detached fascination. The wave of warmth that spread across Mac as he picked up the Bible and jumped down the steps from the altar was evident to even outsiders, and Dennis knew Mac better than maybe anyone else.

“Come sit down, Den,” Mac gestured over to the same spot under the statue where they usually passed the time. They sat a small distance apart, about the width of a chair seat, too far for Dennis to reasonably further his plan.. _.patience, you’ll get him eventually._

The next few moments were almost unimaginably dull to Dennis, who listened to Mac recite the Creation Story with all the eloquence of a third-grader reading his Nativity lines. _I need to make a move before he gets to Noah’s Ark, because hearing him read out “take a pair of e-v-e-r-y animal, clean AND unclean” might just make me flaccid for the rest of my life, and that won’t be conducive to this plan at all._

So Dennis crawled a bit closer, aligning himself hip-to-hip with Mac. He seemed so engrossed in his reading he didn’t even notice the advance, until Dennis’ hair lightly brushed his shoulder.

“Woah dude, you’re sitting really close to me,”

 _Why does he insist on stating the obvious?_   “Do you want me to move?” He tried to purr in what he thought was a seductive manner, but it sounded more like a jet-engine backfiring. _Maybe put that one on the “things to practice in the mirror” list._

“Umm, it’s okay man. Are you okay? That was a pretty nasty sounding cough-”

Dennis sighed, trying his absolute hardest not to snap at him, “I’m perfectly fine, Mac. More so than usual, actually.” He reached his hand over to Mac’s left forearm, resting it there. “Could be better, though.”

Mac shifted uncertainly, moving the massive weight of the Bible off of his knee and laying it on the floor beside him. He could feel the warmth of Dennis’ breath against the exposed skin of his shoulder, the heaviness of his head and the bristles of his hair leaning into him. Dennis’ gazed up at him, eyelashes fluttering. _Got to give him those bedroom eyes. It’s always hot when a chick bats her eyelashes, right?_

“Have you got something in your eyes, man?” Mac asked, his voice a little shrill.

_Is he seriously oblivious to carnal attraction or am I doing something wrong? No, it’s not me! I’m just doing what I do best. Maybe I should be less nuanced._

Dennis lifted his chin and pulled himself up a little, leaning over so his face was within an inch of Mac’s, “Can you feel this?”

“Can I-can I feel what dude?” Mac had an idea of what he was trying to accomplish, but he thought he might as well give him the benefit of the doubt. _Better safe than slapped._

“What do y- you know what, I’m just going to go ahead and say it: this powerful, chemical attraction.” Dennis hooded his eyes.

“Attraction? Umm, between you and-”

“You and me.” Mac raised his voice in protest, but Dennis lifted a finger to his lips to silence his complaints, “Don’t deny it, Mac. I know you feel it too. Even stronger, perhaps.”

_I’m being so damn convincing and sexy. Hell, I almost believe me! Believe the part about me being attracted to Mac, that is. The sexy part is a given._

“Dennis, dude.” Mac sighed helplessly. He was trying so, so hard to suppress the urge to lash out at him, clenching his fists until rinds appeared from his nails. But he couldn’t give into his other urges either, the stronger ones. The ones that told him that he could kiss Dennis into oblivion now and just pray it away later. That he could reach out and bite the forbidden fruit as long as he vomited it back up later.

“What? You’ve wanted this for so long, Mac, Admit it to yourself. Admit it to me.” Dennis was even closer now, lips brushing against Mac’s cheek, his breathing slight. Mac couldn’t help but notice his mouth, almost comically pouted but still soft and wet and oh-so-familiar. He saw that mouth every day but he never felt it like he did now, whispering and exhaling sweet nothings on his skin.

“You never wanted to pray, did you?” Mac said quietly, closing his eyes. _It seriously took him that long to realise? This isn’t as easy as I thought it would be. I need to take the leap._

In lieu of a reply, Dennis pressed his lips against Mac’s clumsily, their noses colliding. Mac giggled, so Dennis grabbed the back of his neck and pulled Mac down on top of him, drawing in his lips like a vacuum so Mac didn’t have a chance to pull away before he was sure he’d made an impression. _He’ll have to admit he’s gay after this._

For a few seconds, Mac felt like he was weightless, free of the constraints the world had tied him down with. The weight of his Bible and his father and his pride had dissolved into the stripped floorboards of the church, been swallowed by the lips that pushed against his own. He wanted to sink in further, but he could already feel the force of his guilt seep back into his body, pulling him away from what he wanted most. Even if it was just for a moment, any amount of time spent in this haze felt enough to last him a lifetime. But he didn’t know if he could survive on ‘just enough’ anymore; just enough validation, just enough attention, just enough love. He needed more, he needed excess to make up for what he’d given away.

 _He doesn’t seem super into this_ , Dennis thought, perplexed. _Is it time to up the intensity?_ The heat from Mac’s body was becoming overwhelming, and his air scarce, so Dennis pulled away and gave himself a moment to recover. He was aware of a rather prominent bulge in his own trousers _,_ _but that’s just nature preparing me to make a baby, right? Haha, nature is stupid. I can’t make a baby with Mac for several reasons, starting w-_

“Den?” Mac looked at him expectantly. Dennis used this opportunity to glance at Mac’s thighs and see if he’d reached a similar level of hardness. _Yup, he is too. So at least I’m not the only one, not that I thought I was going to be. Just that it would be awkward because well, this plan was meant to prove that Mac was the-_

“Umm, hello? You there bro?” _Bro._

“I’ve never been more here.” _That-that’s not quite right is it? Does that even make sense? Why am I wasting time talking anyway, I should be working towards a conclusion here!_

So Dennis leaned back into Mac, straddling his legs around the latter’s waist. Mac was slightly taken aback by the forwardness of it, and by the sudden hardness pressed against his crotch. His breath hitched as Dennis began to thrust back and forth, causing as much friction as he could considering both of them were still fully clothed. It was a good feeling, better than what he could do tho himself, and the pressure slowly building in his cock was growing more intense each time he remembered it was _Dennis_.  _But the apple probably tasted delicious._

He felt uncomfortable as he glanced around the room, seeing the saint’s eyes plastered on him in offended disappointment. Not to mention that his neck was incredibly strained on the hard floor. _Why couldn’t we have done this in a nice bed, or at least on my kitchen lino? I don’t think my mom would even notice._

Dennis had thought his mind would have wandered to that hot girl in his chemistry class by now ( _what was her name again? Sadie_ _?_ ) yet it seemed to stay very fixed on the moment. He was absorbing every breath Mac took and every noise he made. His eyes were absurdly focused on Mac’s lightly muscled arms, his arms appreciating the toned feeling of his stomach. _Not bad for glamour muscles. Of course, my muscles are far more lithe and limber, but that’s to be expected._ Moans escaped his lips as Mac pawed at him, that old feeling he'd experienced so many times before with so many girls and maybe even a few boys ( _but not enough to count_ ) but more powerful, more personal.  _Shit, there are two layers of denim between me and him. This shouldn't feel like this, logically._

To Dennis’ surprise, Mac made the next move, shifting aside and fumbling with the fly on Dennis too-expensive-to-be-on-this-floor jeans. _God, he really is giving a new meaning to ‘fumbling’. I’ve never seen a man struggle so hard to undo a zipper in my life. Not that I regularly watch men undo their zippers or anything._

“Just-move a minute and I’ll do it,” Dennis mumbled, swatting his hand away. _I have to do everything in this goddamn relationship….wait, this is surprisingly difficult. This better not be broken, because my mother paid good money for this denim and I’m not going to have it cock-blocking me._ After realising his efforts were in vain, he tried a different tack, instead focusing on prying open Mac’s fly. At almost the precise moment he managed to get those jeans off, he heard a creak and a familiar screech. _God no. Please, please Lord, I know I’ve never believed in you but at moments like this…_

“Dennis? Is that _you_? And _Mac_?” Dee stood in the doorway, mouth agape.

Mac sat up and pulled his pants up as fast as he possibly could. _What are the actual, genuine real-life chances that Dee would decide to join the party at this moment, of all moments?_

"Dee?" Dennis turned round, anger rising up his body, "What are you doing here?"

“I was here looking for you because I know you come here and I needed to ask about that Biology homework an- _Oh my God_. Oh my fucking God, ewww! If I just saw what I think I just saw-”

“You saw nothing, Deandra!” Dennis shouted, straightening out this shirt, “You can’t just burst into an, an _event_ with absolutely no context and expect to understand what’s happening, can you? I mean, that’s just typical you, isn’t it?”  
  
Dee sighed, rolling her eyes. _Typical Dennis, more like. Tearing into me and expecting me to genuinely believe I’m in the wrong here. Well guess what, you manicured man-bitch, maybe you’re in the fucking wrong!_ “ _You_ , Dennis are the one who appears to be getting off with the school drug dealer in an abandoned church! What context could I possibly need for that?”

“Umm, a tonne of context, like-” Mac burst in, before Dennis signaled to him to let the _expert_ handle this, “You see Dee, people like you, you know, who wouldn’t know friendship if it actually ass-fucked them, think you can understand all the complexities of inter-friend interaction. But you actually can’t, because if you could, you’d realise that Mac had a simple query about his dick size - a common insecurity for many men, Dee - and I, his closest friend, decided to examine the goods so he could know for sure whether he was an under-developed freak. See? It’s that simple.”

There was a moment of silence before Dee burst out laughing. _Dennis thinks he can lie his way out of anything. Sure, maybe he can wheedle some things-who killed the fish, the sexual harassment complaints at Camp Cub- but I know he’s definitely lying here. His eye is twitching, Mac looks clearly confused and offended by the discussion...._

“Dennis, that is the worst lie you have ever told. I honestly don’t care if you are getting it on with that greasy prick, but I do care that you think you can lie to me about it, you arrogant shrimp-dick.”

“I-I cannot believe I am being given the third degree over a simple manhood measurement. Deandra, why don’t you go ask Charlie if he thinks a man taking a logistical record of another man’s dick is a big deal or not? Seeing as you don’t seem to need much of an excuse to get close to him, if you know what I mean-”

"And I'm not greasy!"

“Oh for fuck’s sake, Dennis. I’ll leave you and your bitch alone, alright?” Dee screeched, exasperated. _Oh boy, I do wonder what Charlie’s view on this whole situation would be. I’m sure he’d be thrilled to find out what his childhood companion had got up to lately…_

“Just-just leave, Dee,” Dennis groaned, waving her away dismissively as she flounced off, grinning to herself.

He turned to Mac, looking pissed off and slightly apologetic, “My sister is beyond help, Mac. I guarantee she will tell every sad hanger-on she can actually get to talk to her about this.”

Mac nibbled on his lip, “Will they believe her?”  
  
“Oh, definitely not. I’ll clear up any confusion about the _nature_ of our _involvement_ here, don’t you worry about it.” Dennis looked down at Mac, who was sat cross-legged on the floor.  _I suppose I could leave the experimenting here, but then again_   _I started the plan...so I guess I have to finish it._ He reached out a hand and pulled Mac off the ground. "How about we take this elsewhere?"  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i proofread this for ages and ran it through grammar checkers because my grasp on grammar is tenuous at best but there's still probably mistakes and if you see any feel free to chastise me  
> also i can't keep a consistent tone with this story but i'm having loads of fun writing it so i hope some people have fun reading it lol


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